Energy... never born, never dead

it just changes the form...

but it stays.. eternal, forever.
in the smallest of cells...
in the biggest of blocks.

its deep within, its never lost.
it radiates, for those who can feel it.

it keeps warm... the one, who deserves it :)

...
burns those, who mess with it.

..

separation Zero

complete
and...
...vacant


calm
and...
...untamable


singleton
and...
...diverse


indivisible
and...
...compound


random
and...
...steady


irrational
and...
...methodical


afloat
and...
...deep


....simple and ...undecipherable.

resurrection

over two decades of existence
handpicked moments worth remembering

over half a dozen residences
but, happily, just one home

over ten thousand acquiantances
a few chosen friends

billions of thoughts
hundreds of actions

hundreds of failures
some success

thousands of lessons
a few learnings

millions of laughters
lots fake, few true

millions of tears
lots hidden, few shown

uncountable dreams
most broken, others yet to break

immense power
got burried, but emerging

free spirit
withered, hazed, but recovering

the soul
INTACT !!! and U N S T O P P A B L E ....

october

it would barely be above 20. the wind made it feel colder. the clouds stopped it from getting warmer. it was half past 1, but the sunday afternoon was blank. the day after diwali, some enthusiasts were still not over with the sulphur

a drop found its way to my notebook. the clouds were getting denser. thanks to the machines of time, or it would be impossible to figure out what time of the day it was, or what time of the year it was.

the patrol car passed by. what were they looking for? this was one of the quietest afternoon i have witnessed so far in this area over the last four months. i was halfway through my first paratha. i hurried, the second one was getting cold. and more droplets were finding their way to my table. the canopy above me wasnt dense enough. oh yes, autumn it was. they got to shed.

i stopped to hear the hum. a high flying plane. the hum was good. i liked it. unlike the deafening low flying planes that we hear once in every five minutes, or less. i wonder why was this plane flying so high, ignoring the IGI airport. whatever, none of my business.

i concentrated back on my business. i was already into the second paratha. it was cold by now., but nevermind, i couldnt have had anything better.

backstreet boys were playing somewhere. may be in one of the cars parked in front of the monestary...."show me the meaning of being lonely", a song from Millennium, which happened to be the first western album i bought. pushed me back into my schoolday memories. "show me the meaning of being lonely"... i wish i could show.

i pushed the last piece of paratha down my gut.
time to leave.
time to be lonely again.

un-MCP.... i wish

for all that we have done to women....
i dont feel proud of being a man.

tp

11:26...
i was beginning to get bored. was waiting for the call. it's been quite some time.
i didnt want to spend my sunday morning stuck to the 15 inch. theres a whole new world waiting out for me.

but no option. i have to wait for the call.
thought of dropping into the gym. its dusty and dilapitated, i know. and this is an air conditioned lab. ppl wud hate to go there giving this up, but i had something else on my mind.

yawn...
why am i even writing ? killing time i guess. the fat guy next to me is checking his application to Ciena India. i dont know what is that. i shudnt have peeked into his screen showing his open mailbox. but he was so close to the screen, i cudnt resist wondering what was he soooo engrossed in ? i guess he literally wanted to "enter" his mailbox :))

11:30... aah.. just four minutes have past. when i am with her, time just flies. and now that i am waiting for her call.... by jov... i am tempted to believe that my watch has got stuck.
11:31... GOD !!!

i am tired of orkutting.
album updated (with old pics), scraps replied, dozed and snoozed, ... ugh.. what more ?
i am logging off.

bye.

aorta

i am torn, and tattered and tired...
i'm beaten and strengthened and steeled.

i've learned to fail and i have failed to learn

i've been burnt n sloshed n crumbled to dust
i've been rebuilt from metals that oozed out of meteors
i've been soaked in the sands of the burning beach

i live in the split seconds of my blink
i move within my veins
i burn within my stomach all day
i bleed with every beat.


i live
i did, i will.

kashish

a name
a man
no story

the wound
the pain
no glory

Is it 4 ?

"Excuse me madam"
She raised her head, her lap full of pieces of tassar, maroon and beige. Two men, very formal in their gesture, but in casualwears, mid forties.
"Yes..."
"We need to talk to you for a minute"
"What is going on?" her boss interrupted from behind.
"We need to ask her a few questions", the man in the white shirt pulled out his identity card as he approached. Silence hovered the room. For a few seconds there was no sound other than the hum of the A.C.
"Okay, sure. Let me know when done", said the boss as she prepared to leave the room.

The two men and the girl in the room.
She switched off her computer as they seated themseleves. There was anxiety, a bit of irritation and a lot of questions on her face, but she was at the answering end.
"Is this your number?" the other guy handed over a slip of paper. Yes, it was her number. She could barely nod, but the man got his answer. She tried to return the slip to the man, but he didn't take it.
"Please turn it", he said, his eyes still fixed on her, "do you know that other number?"
She turned the slip. Yes, she knew the other number as well. She probably knew it even more than she did her own number. Hundreds of calls, hundreds of messages, how could she not know this number. A smile lit her face which immediately turned into panic with apprehensions uncountable.
"What happened?" she coudnt ask anything more.
"We found your number in the cell phone that has the second number. There were 17 messages sent to you and 14 received from you yesterday, on this phone"
She was getting imaptient, she was barely interested in the statistics.
"And?" she tried to control herself.
"The last message sent to you was at 4:32 a.m. today" , now spoke the man in white shirt.
"Yes, i read it this morning, but after that he hasnt taken my calls, neither has he replied to my messages", she was next to yelling. "What the fuck is going on?" she freaked out.
"Ma'm relax. Even we have the same question"
"What do you mean??"
"What time is it?"
"Is it 4?" she asked back.
"What time is it?" he asked again.
She picked up her cell phone, she didnt wear a watch. Her wrists were too beautiful to be cluttered with pieces of metal and leather.
"It is 4", she murmured, "4:05"
"Not even twelve hours, no big deal, unless his roommates had found this sticking on the collage in his room" he handed over another slip. It was a small 3-line goodwill note and a chequered pattern below it with a few letters jumbled up in boxes. She knew those letters.
"Are you familiar with those letters?" he asked, his questions were growing firmer.
There were two 'K's, two 'A's and an 'S'. She knew those letters exactly.
"Yes, it's my name"
"Excuse me??" now it was his turn to be surprised.
"I mean, nickname. Only he calls me by this name"
The two men looked at each other as she slid her fingers on that chequer again and again.
"Ma'm..." he interrupted, because it was clear she was lost in those five letters. But before he could speak, she asked, "Would you please tell me what is going on?"
The goodwill note had given her a clear idea what was going on. Her voice sunk, she was barely breathing.
The reply came, "He is missing".

me

i am the tranquility of the abyss
i am the brilliance of hundred Suns
i am the water, i am the fire
i am the gravity of a million tonnes

i am the moisture beneath your lips
i am the flicker in your nerves
i am your smell, i am your touch
i am the glamour of your curves.

i am the speed of your curious mind
i am the sloth of your pining love
i am your rush, i am your rest
i am the smooth, i'm the rough

i am your life, you cant deny
feel it in your destiny
there's no place for fear or doubt,
it's just me, me ....and me.

haemorrhaged

no new sun rose
no dawn to be seen
the moon went red, bloodshot.
my heart went cold
my breath went still
my flesh was left to rot.

no breezy springs.
no tickling rains.
no autumn dream, no thought.
no racing brooks,
no meadows green,
my mind as dry as drought.

leave me alone
i'm haemorrhaged.
i'm stained with big red blots
no point trying,
it is too late...
there aint no cure, i tried lots.

aquario

you cant cut the water
you cant burn it...
or break it.

but you can feel it..
be the algae or a boat on it...
be in it... or float on it..

you can let it surround you,
and lift you, or drown you.

you can lose your weight in it,
you can lose your mind in it...
let your heart unwind in it.

aquario...
a ripple or a splutter i am.
borne of this water i am.

absence

just in case u don see me,
don think that i've been gone.
there ain' no place that i cant be
no place where i cant spawn.

i'm in ur house, i'm in ur bed,
am in ur friggin' lawn.
i'm in ur night, i'm in ur noon,
am in ur dusk n dawn.

n i dwell right inside ur head,
can u jus feel the haunt ?
there aint no gettin' rid of me,
can't turn me off or on

creativity

so much for creativity,
my mind was oozing slime.
and in my whim, when mood was grim,
i mixed acid with zyme.

so much for creativity,
i lost track of time.
and i just blurted out some words,
that ended up in rhyme :)

far or near

with pain and tear,
and a little bit fear,
there, or here...
alone, or with peer,
on this world
a smile i'll smear.
and its not just dream,
'cause i am here :)

thought

billion people,
trillion lives,
yet a number i count not.
the single one
i myself am.
i must have missed the spot.

in flesh n bones,
with hair n skin,
some blood flows and some clot.
37.6
98.4
some parts are cold, some hot.

i smiled and cried,
got wet and dried,
and through all that i thought,
why do i live?
where should i go?
whats meant to be the plot?

scrub

i dont want to look at this world with hatred. i dont want to stop believing that everyone deserves to be greeted with a smile. i dont want the narrowness of my waist to change places with the broadness of my mind as i grow.
but, as i grow and i see more, i see more pain
and all that grows inside me is the quest for vengeance.
a tooth for a tooth and an eye for an eye... the world would be blind some day

i know hatred is not the solution. vengeance doesnt not establish justice.
but by each day it becomes more difficult to maintain my warmth for people.

its a disease we all have contracted. we fail to see beyond two inches in front of our eyes. we are so myopic, so deaf to the screams of our own soul. we just want and want and want. we just blame and blame and blame.
we breed maggots in our blood, and our breath is so rotten stale.. that if someone is scared of hell, he'd be relieved to know that hell aint any worse.

i want to believe that theres some goodness left in everyone, and i want to believe that it can clean us of our stench.
but its increasingly becoming so difficult to hold on to this dream.


if theres a God, he better be acting soon. or there will be people who will undertake his roles.
and when we do so, beware, we wudnt be so merciful as HIM.

if i cant scrub the scum off your skin... i wouldn't mind peeling your skin off.

time

one fine afernoon, i asked my friend, "what is time ? define time"...
she wondered, "why?"
i said, "just do it"
she was left thinking for a while... and then came, "one moment to another, is time."

simple ... wasn't it ?
one moment to another. a mensurable metric. a scale was taken for granted, two points were marked on it, and the distance between was marked as the timespan. end of story.

but, is it that simple ? think again. so many things depend on time. its a basic unit, with mass, length and temperature. there are only four basic entities... everything else, is derived. speed, force, pressure, energy... everything!!!

okay, set apart schoolbook science. lets take a peek into the real world.why do we have to measure time ? why does everyone have to follow the same scale ? have u ever wondered that there are different units for length, mass and temperature, but the entire world follows the same unit for time.theres foot and meter for length. theres pound and gram for mass. theres centigrade and fahrenheit for temperature... but, theres only SECOND for time, everywhere!!! why all of us have agreed to bind ourselves to a timeframe ? why at all do we need to measure time ? we cannot hold time. we cannot alter it, stretch it or shrink it, cut it, touch it, add it, subtract it, compare it.... then why do we need to measure it ? we cannot undo or redo.... create or erase time.

i am pretty confused. i myself do not know how to put what i am thinking of. i cant quantify my perception of time. its not something that you can see, or show. we invented the clock to crystallise the measurement of time. but, clock again, doesnt measure time directly. its just a device with a constant rotational velocity, and the angular distance travelled by it gives an indication of time. for quartz watches, it depends on crystals with fixed oscillation frequency and the number of oscillations done under a particular voltage gives an indication of time.
we CAN NOT measure time directly.
in fact, we cant even measure length and time directly. length is measured by comparing the object in concern to a predefined object like the ruler, or the measuring tape. mass is measured by comparing it with some standard object like the iron weights. in free space, we can measure nothing.


what exactly am i talking about ??
.
.
.
.

i m m a t e r i a l

what do i want ?
let me tell you again...
and this time, the fancy has no bounds.

1. force : I want to have a control on the forces. Most importantly, the gravitational force. I want to take control of the momentum of all tangible objects without touching them. I want to be able to exert force on the matter and on myself. In short, "remote control"... crazy.. isnt in ? Must be the effect of too many sci-fi movies.
2. energry : I want to be able to absorb, or dissipate any form of enery around me. And, to convert any form of energy to any other, at my convenience.
3. morph : That is to say, the feature of my existence. The ME that I am, the basic thing should, however, remain same. I dont really want to alter the properties of the matter that constitutes my physical being... but, I want this matter to change, into some form of energy, if needed. Mass-Energy conversion ? May be thats what I'm talking about... "dematerialization". Say, for example, I want to pass through the walls. Now, we all know the matter is mostly void. there are huuuuuge empty spaces between atoms and even within atoms. So much so, that other atoms can pass through, if they have resonant bond energies. In short, I want myself to be convertible to some form of energy which is permeable through any matter, and regain the material form once I'm through. Vice the Versa, matter should be permeable through me, if needed. The higher level application of this wish is "teleportation".
4. thought : Our mind radiates energy which we can use to communicate. This hasn't been proved, but I want to exploit this possibility. The so called "thought waves", or the "telepathy"... I wish I can improvise on that.
5. (any hollywood producer reading this ? i guess i've given u enuff ideas for the next superhero blockbuster.. ha ha !!... this list is not concluded yet... keep watching)....

m a t e r i a l

what do i want ?
i had jotted down the necessities in my life in a blog sometime back...
but this time, the list is more fanciful than being limited to mere necessities.
it might look like an useless blog...
.
.
.
.
.
of course, it will look like an useless blog.. it IS an useless blog :))
anyways, no more kidding, let me just jot down the stuff.
PS: please don't blame me, if I sound toooooo selfish :D

1. residence: A studio apartment... with xxxtra large windows. This comes with quite a number of IF's and BUT's... let me specify. If in a city, this apartment should be in a very tall building, overlooking a wide network of roads, or beside a river, or a seashore (this reminds me of mumbai esp). I'd have liked greens around my dwelling, but that'd push me to suburbs where it wouldn't be in a tall building but right on the ground, engulfed by wide lawns on all sides, and streets beyond lawns on any two sides.
2. transport: As long as I am single, I'd prefer a bike. A two wheeler, yes. How about a Ducati ? ha ha... just kidding !!!
3. entertainment: A very powerful Desktop (and i mean VERY powerful, def Dual Core), with as many accessories as you can think of (Dolby Sound card, Nvidea Gfx card, TV-Tuner card etc)... and an OHP (no, I'm not satisfied with monitors)... and a recriprocating sound system. I want to buy a good synth some day.
4. food: A BIG fridge (don't ask me how big, haven't decided yet)... something that'll cater to my needs, but I'm a bit foggy about this, as I don't know my needs yet. I'll be more specific once I have the money to buy :)) ... In addition to the fridge, I want neat and up-to-date kitchen appliances (I have no idea about, coz I don't cook.. but I WANT to), and "whatever" is "necessary" (once again, I'll be more specific when I learn to cook :D)
5. dress: No... I am not very particular about this. I dont want anything superfancy, or of expensive brands. Anything casual will do. Simple kurtas, t-shirts, jeans, pajamas n stuff.. anything that I'm comfortable in, but doesn't look shabby. I seriously want to stay away from designer gorgeous stuff.
6. furniture: A chair.... adjustible in every possible way you can think of, fitted with rollers of course. No bed, but a huge mattress on the floor.... big enuff to hold 3-4 times myself (dont worry, I am gonna sleep alone in that, at least till.... u know :D). I don't want my apartment cluttered with funiture... no tables except the one supporting my Desktop comp, and no chair other than the one in front of the comp table. No sofas, no couches... all will be replaced by mattresses of different shapes n sizes on the floor. The floor has to be spotless clean (leave your shoes outside). There might be an almirah and some wallracks (bare minimum, just enuff to hold all that i can't place on the floor). And there has to be a big mirror (6" tall by 8" wide, covering a big part of a wall).
7. sports: SWIMMING POOL !!! Nothing could be better. Not my personal pool (the maintenance will hurt), but a big one in some nearby club, with no time constraints :))
8. (to be continued)

atheist

i just believe in god.
rather, in goodness. not a deity, or something like that. though i have nothing against any deity or any form of rituals or anything, and i pay my share of respect to all the gods and cults.

but, honestly, god is nothing but goodwill. its just us... a force within us, the conscience. if we cud follow our conscience and stick to our principles, we woudnt need religions, we wouldnt need prayers.
worshipping is nothing but an act invented by some intelligent ppl to tell the common man to believe in the good.
prayer, is again nothing, but an act that strengthens the willpower, invokes hope, and tells us to move on, coz theres light at the end of the tunnel

the common man is vulnerable, he is afraid. he needs a belief that if something goes wrong, someone will take care of it. thats why the concept of God was invented.. to help him identify his inner strength. that feeling, "chalo, humein jo karna hai, wo karte to hain,... aage bhagwaan bharose".. its actually not bhagwaan bharose, its his own self bharose. if he were afraid to take the step, he'll never reach his goal, but now that he has taken the step, he'll do whatever is necessary to succeed. we often are diffident, and dont dare enough. this is where the concept of god helps.

but, man learns by two methods, reward and punishment. God.. was also invented to invoke the fear of punishment. to stop ppl from doing evil. if ppl listen to their conscience, they'll never do evil, and hence no need for fearing God. but ppl dont have the insight. they do what they shouldnt, KNOWING that they shouldnt be doing it. its then, that the fear of god comes into play. god was declared omnipresent, omnipotent, to suggest the common man that his wrong doing can never be hidden, that he cannot escape his guilt... theres someone watching you, always. so better not commit anything wrong.

you adopted Krishna in ur mind. but He has nothing to teach you. its already there within you, He is just showing it to you. she adopted Durga. she derives her powers from her belief in the deity, the power that she already has.

God is not an external source. its within us.
WE are our gods. Our principles, the inner voice, our faith is our God.

(Why) not writing a blog

kyonki sunne waalon ki kami nahi hai....

i am blessed with a company of all possible colours.

when i am happy, i have lads i can bang into whose room and we can shriek at the top of our voices to exclaim.
when i am sad, i have pals who would just be there, and their silent nod and a soft thud on my back would take all my pain away.

when i rise, i have mates who would give me wings to brave the wind.
when i fall, i will still have an angel wrap me up and keep me warm.

when theres noise inside that i wanna blurt out...
when theres a loud laughter thats waiting to burst out...
when its a moment of peace, or a moment of unrest,
whether i am tired, drowsy, and drenched with my loneliness, or up n running, cutting my way through the rocks...
whether in flights of fantasy, or shackals in dungeon,
i have always had friends, who would lend me an ear...
a hand that would touch my shoulder and wipe my tear.
no one's a stranger, i never ran out of friends...
may be thats where my need for a blog ends.

not writing a blog

do what you think and say what you feel, coz those who mind, dont matter and those who matter, dont mind....

since time immemorial we have been craving for freedom of expression.
each one of us has something to say, needs someone who wud listen.. and just listen without being judgemental, without imposing an opinion.

theres a sigh that we'd like to heave, a tear that we'd like to drop. a hurt that wouldnt heal, but we'd like to reveal it to someone, with an expectation that the pain would be numbed, even if for a little while, by the useless but sympathetic words of a friend.
if we read a joke in the middle of a lonely highway, we'd like to rush to the nearest town to find someone to share it with and have a good laugh. even our prized possessions that we wudnt wanna share with anyone, we'd like to show it to people and feel proud about it.

be it grief or ecstasy... humor or vanity... shame or victory... we need someone to share with.


but not all of us lucky enough to find this "someone" to talk to.
a patient listener, an understanding ear is a rare treasure. and though we all look for someone to talk to, we cant just talk to anyone... and nor do we want our words to fall on wrong ears.
but we want a way out... so we revert to conversations with strangers... ppl who wud listen, and might comment, might misinterprete our notions... but without serious consequences.
if they give a damn to what we have to say, fine. if not, we dont have to worry about what they say in turn. perhaps this gave rise to "blogs".


but i have my reasosn for not writing a blog...
its time for you to guess why i WOULDNT write a blog.

i'll let you know.... soon.
till then.. keep guessing
(its an obvious reason, the MOST obvious one, its just the opposite of the reason for writing a blog).

there are angels on this earth... there sure are

this is what an angel told me today...

if i could hug you.......i would
if i could love you ...i already do
if i could thank you....words are not enough
if i could pray for you.....i need not for i know HE gives you the best
if i could give you.......would give you anything you ask for

for now.......i am in tears...
tears of gratitude and love ...tears of joy and sunshine
tears.....that are pearls...for they flow for you....you....who has made my life fragrant just by being there........

may the peace and joy i experience by the mere thought of your being..............also be graced on you manifold by the lovely souls who touch u now and always......

lost in peace and oneness of our beings
YOU or ME

thank you ritu didi...
if i could thank you... words are not enough !!!

on proving grounds

its good to quarrel sometimes....
#1. it shows your ability to handle yourself.
#2. it shows the other persons ability to handle you.
#3. and finally when you make up, IF you do, it shows the depth of the relation.

you SHOULD fight with your loved ones once in a while...
but never forget to patch up.
its a test of time. if you fail to patch up, you have lost the test.

negative

bura mat kaho, bura mat suno, bura mat dekho....

naah... doesnt sound good enough. makes me feel like an ostrich that burries its head in the sand during the storm, and feels safe, coz it cant see the storm. but the damage is done.

i am too little to challenge the principles of the great man. there must be some truth which i fail to see in the line i quoted... but, as of now, i have enough reasons to contradict.

bura mat kaho
yeah, agreed. theres no pleasure in foulmouthing. a voluptuous slang doesnt establish your dominance, it proves the weakness of your logic that you are trying to hide by creating an agitation, a distraction. it proves your disappointment and your disgust, thereby exposing ur vulnerability to your opponent, giving him the chance to exploit ur tension thru the subsequent mistakes that you wud be making.
apart from this materialistic arguement, we also know a sweet tongue can often get a job done much faster than a threatening. courtsey has its own value... and none of us would like to deny.
BUT... theres a limit to docility. pursuit for peace shouldnt render you meek. there will be times when raising your voice becomes an absolute necessity. there are times when you need to call a spade a spade. to retain your calm is a virtue, but not at the cost of your dignity.
tum hamari chotiyon ki barf ko yun mat kuredo..
dehekta lava hriday mein hai, ki hum jwalamukhi hain.
and hence, there are times when we need to spit fire.

bura mat suno
now THAT is what i would call escapism. what are you afraid of ?
if there are bad things being said, LISTEN to it... for two reasons.
#1. those things might not be true. you would learn to distinguish between truth and rumor. and once u discover that those things werent true, you would know that the speaker was lying. in the process, you have discovered a man whose words you shudnt believe just like that.
#2. those things might be true. the world is an imperfect one, and theres danger everywhere. and when something bad is being said, it will serve as a warning (if the things being said are true). its an important information. you'd know where to be careful. in the process, u will discover a man who will equip you with correct apprehensions.
BUT... please note, that i am asking you to listen to what is being said, and not believe it immediately. dont pollute yourself with all the shit thats poured into your ears. before you can actually reap the benefit of listening to such a thing, you should have developed enough integrity in yourself to be unaffected by it.
achchha suno.. it will teach you what to do.
bura bhi suno... it will teach you what NOT to do, and THAT isnt any less important.

bura mat dekho
you seriously believe ignorance is bliss ? you must be an ostrich then :)
prepare yourself to face the evil. dont run from it. you can never run far enough.
better face it, fight it. thats the only way you can overcome it.
_____________________

enough preaching against the old man's saying. i have more often than not been a disbeliever in him.
but, let me tell you something. i hated his ahimsa principle, and i was able to put forth similar sincere arguements to prove him wrong. but one day a frnd casually uttered... "a tooth for a tooth, an eye for an eye,.. and the whole world would be blind some day".
vengeance isnt a solution. i now believe it. if the damage is done, spend ur energy in reparing it, rather than causing more damage.

so, even though i wrote a lot against the three monkeys, i am still searching for a deeper meaning, which will tell me that the old man was right.
and i fear that someday i'll discover the more profound side of his saying, and will be ahamed of all what i wrote now, out of incomplete experience, out of lack of farsight.
if you have discovered, enlighten me, please.

confessions of a sleepless mind

change is the only constant thing. very rightly said so.
it definitely is the spice of life.. without it life would be so useless... meaningless. there wouldnt be anything we can look up to. we would be trapped in stagnation, and the constancy would be so mechanical and stale that it would suffocate us to death.

but, there are times, when we prefer to retain things just the way we acquired it. though thats never possible. its not always that a change, in what we have, is going to be for worse. sometimes, it's for better.... but when something changes about a thing (or being) which (or who) has been so precious for us, we tend to be afraid... the fear of losing the feel, the belongsingness.
we get associated... attached.
sometimes in a way, that we know would not last forever.
in a way, that is ought to change.
and when we started the attachment, we were very much aware that it would change, sooner or later. but still, when the moment comes closer, our fear takes over. we look back at all the moments we have had the old way, and we wish that could go on forever. we hopelessly try to cling to it.

notwithstanding all our mundane efforts, the inevitable happens. things change. if for better, we breathe reliefe. if for worse, we find things slipping out of our fingers, and our efforts are as much in vain as in trying to get a grip on water which slips out of our fist, no matter how hard we grasp. in fact, the harder we try to grasp, the more it slips out. leaves us with a wet palm.. wet with saline water, with uncountable memories dissolved in it, as whole or fragments.

then we hear promises coming.
we may hear ourselves making promises to ourselves, in a way of fake consolation, that life must move on.
or we hear someone else making promises to us, telling us not to worry. coz its just a little change, it isnt going to affect much, and the essence will remain the same.
but it doesnt. the essense doesnt remain the same. change breeds change.. and further changes clutter our precious. and our precious eventually gets lost in a crowd of unfamiliarity. we look here n there like a dumb, sometimes shout out to ourselves. we cry... for something is now missing... something that we so dearly wanted forever. we fumble in quicksand for something that we saw slipping down to obscurity, but could do nothing to stop it from getting out of sight.

we lose. change wins.
we change.
and then a new day comes. and more such days. we forget the precious, at least apparently, till one day when we are hit by a news, that the precious is no more.
that we've lost it forever.
it hardly makes any practical difference. we had lost it the very day it went out of sight forever. but deep down, there was a hope somewhere, that we might set things back, and we might regain things the way they were before. and this day, we lose the last hope.

the precious is lost. its okay now. i dont have to worry about getting it back anymore.

i'm not gonna get it back again.
never.

(unless, we die to live another day)

[dedicated to a precious friend who is going far away, sooner than i expected]

my LIFE, the necessities

a few things (material and mundane) that are "important" in my life.... in order of decreasing priority.

PS
> this list is susceptible to future amendments.
> "money" is an obvious necessity, so it is not mentioned.

the list goes as....

1. palatable food & comfortable shelter (both together, i cant split these two)
2. lavatory (i can piss and bathe in open, but not clear my bowels)
3. medicines (when required)
4. clothing (seasonal, of course)
5. toiletry (the necessary ones)
6. computer (WITH internet, and other "necessary" peripherals)
7. one particular woman (mundane, yes)
8. transport (preferably personal, but am used to public transport as well)
9. friends (materialistic, YES)
10. cosmetics (the fancy ones)
11. (to be continued)

to wade through the weeds

aspiration... lately, i came to understand, can be three fold in its cause and effect.

it's a necessity, when it comes to career n stuff. you look forward towards doing something not just for the sake of liking it, but needing it. often it gives rise to a do or die situation. u fight for a cause... a cause as severe as to defend the existence and well being of urself and ur loved ones.
now THAT is mostly the case. often people dont have the luxury to chase what they fancy. so, they tend to fit into the grind by fancying their survival itself. this, though a passive form of aspiration, is perhaps the most widespread. and the only CHOICE one exercises, is to the extent of chosing this profession over that. but whatever it may be, at the end of the day, it's the money that does all the talking, not the mind.

the other case of ambition, which fits more rosily with the heart-throbbing semantics of the word, is gratification of senses. you DO what you LIKE... and you LIKE what you DO. you make a choice, with ur heart placed over head. you are not bogged down by responsibilities and necessities, and you give in what the youth prefers to call PASSION.
but, this form of aspiration isnt as indisciplined as i just made it look like. it doesnt have to be moody, and impulsive. it is very much meditated, sincere and effective. much like the necessity version of aspiration, this one too demands hard work and tenacity to make the dreams come true. the only difference is, here you have a DREAM to make come true, not just a COMMAND to follow. just because your work isnt tied up by ur mundane responsibilities, doesnt mean you can cocktail with it. this kind of aspiration is rare, but when executed, has been known to deliver best results round the globe.

the third type... is not really an aspiration,
but is counter-aspiration...
also known as failure.
its a lesson to be learnt. this form of aspiration is not progressive, like the previous two kinds, its corrective. it doesnt apparently output anything, but lays the foundation for future outputs. its a form of preparation. a FEEDBACK, as one of my friends once put it, that tells you what NOT to do... that tells you that your choice perhaps wasnt right. or may be, you werent devoted enuff to what u chose.
or tells you to take another path to reach your goal. tells you to make your own way, when u fail to walk thru the BEATEN PATH (in the words of that friend).
i guess, thats where i stand now. the metalled road is not for me. the smooth ride is not for me.
perhaps i couldnt see my path, cause it isnt laid yet. i gotta make my own way.

i got to wade thru the weeds.

cabon over calcium

so... i gotta talk here, right ?
and, i am supposed to talk nonsense, right ?
and, i shd be talking a lot here, right ?

if the place is so right... why the hell am i here ? i wanna be somewhere , where its all wrong, not right.

so if its right, and i gotta write..
beware ppl, things are gonna go wrong soon.

and about carbon over calcium.... dont assume i am medico geek. am far from it.
its just my flesh over my bones.
its who i am.
er.... i mean, WHAT i am.